I've always had a positive relationship with my breasts, they've been big since I was a teenager. Over time, even though gravity or breastfeeding has taken its toll on them, I like my "sandbags". One autumn day, I'm not sure exactly when, I noticed in the shower that one of my breasts was harder. I tried the self-exam like I had so many times before. But so many times before, I always thought I wouldn't know if there was anything there... Wrong! This time I knew right away. A tiny little lump. I reassured myself that it was just a lump and I let it go.
I had a really nice time when I started a job I was excited about after all these years. My husband helped me when schools were shut down so I could go to work at least 1 day a week, but otherwise I felt like something was slipping between us. We had a very stressful Christmas and then the day came when I found out the lump had grown.
It was the evening, Thursday 14.1.2021, after a shower I called my husband to see if he could touch it, just to make sure I didn't panic that it was definitely nothing. And he felt it too. He told me it was nothing, but urged me to make a doctor's appointment. That's when the mad panic came over me. Not the fear of being sick, but the worry. I got an appointment for both a gynecology and a sonogram first thing Friday morning. On Tuesday, January 20, I went to the gynecology and the doctor gave me a complete check-up,
palpated a 3x3 cm lump, and wrote out a request for a sonogram. Friday, January 22, 2021 morning we got up, dropped my son off at school, my husband and I drove him together. I took the car to the car wash and filled it up. We came back home and I had the idea to make us maybe a "last" breakfast together. I made us eggs and we watched TV for a while. Before we left, I turned on the washing machine and we went to Kladno for a checkup.
At the clinic, I checked in at the front desk, filled out the paperwork, and waited to be called. A nice nurse came in, led me to a booth where I stripped down to my midriff and waited to be called. A nice doctor, Lucie Svobodová, MD, was waiting in the office, and I answered a few questions and got on the gurney. The first thing I had to do was feel and show where my lump was so that the doctor could find it better on the scan. The doctor felt my breast and we went in for an ultrasound. First the right breast which was healthy and then the left where I palpated the lump. The doctor didn't like it and wanted another exam immediately so I wouldn't have to wait. I was told that I was an oncology patient and was given the choice of where I wanted to be treated. Apparently, I am going to have treatment first and depending on the results, I may have chemotherapy or hormones. But in any case, I'm going to have surgery. There was an immediate biopsy, x-ray and mammogram. The doctor didn't like the results of the mammogram, so she ran another sonogram, not only of the breast, but of the entire abdominal cavity. The mammogram showed suspicious lesions in the whole breast, but they could not be located on the sonogram, so they could not do another biopsy. However, the abdominal sonogram showed a suspicious finding on the liver. I was sent to the waiting room where I waited for the gynaecologist's report asking for additional tests, which they did anyway that day even though they said they couldn't do it without a request. According to the doctor, it was urgent and they needed to rush the treatment as much as possible. So I was given an appointment with Mudr. Karolína Kašparová, who was to be my oncologist from now on, and that I was to appear with my husband on Wednesday 27 January at 9:00 am. After a whirlwind of examinations, my husband was waiting for me outside the building and drove me home. On the way, we picked up my son from school and my husband headed off to work. I was left alone with all my fears at home with my son. Fortunately, my son is a smart kid. He played, watched cartoons and I could cry alone in peace. The questions in my mind were... Will my husband leave me now? Wouldn't he just be with me out of pity? Lately our intimate life together was not worth anything and I didn't know why, what will happen now? Will they take my breast? Or both? How long can the treatment last? When and how do we tell our son? Who's going to go with me to chemo? Will I be able to continue working normally? Will I lose my job?
The following weekend was incredibly long, I had a million questions in my head and I was searching for answers on the internet. I wanted to have an idea of what to expect. I wrote down questions for the oncologist, as the doctor had recommended. The waiting is so long and tiring....
My husband accompanied me to the oncology, we listened to the suggestion for chemotherapy and I got an appointment for the 1st dose on 4.2. with the proviso that I would still go for a PET/CT scan on Tuesday 2.2.2021. On the day of the PET/CT scan I went to work for 2 hours in the morning and then my husband and I went to the hospital in Na Homolka, saying that it was just to be sure and everything would be fine.
In the meantime, I quickly came to terms with the idea of not having hair, ordered a wig and some cool hats and waited for my first dose of chemo. I wondered what kind of awesome firm breasts they'd give me that would call out from afar that I was artificial.
The day of the first chemo was coming. I found out that something was wrong the day before, when the oncology doctor called me. She said I shouldn't count on chemotherapy because they had to refer me to a higher specialist. I should have changed my mind about where I wanted to be treated, but I told her on the phone that I would take her advice and we were to come in the next day to get the paperwork. Not just nodes, but also liver and bones.
I received all the documentation and was handed over to Prof. Petra Tesara, M.D., CSc. at the Karlak University Hospital.
My world fell apart. I wanted to know how much time I had left. Would I see my son grow up, go to high school, college, become a dad? Probably not. I can't live that long with metastases. What happens now? There's no information anywhere about surviving stage 4 cancer. I'm incurable. I'm gonna die. I haven't slept, eaten, cried for days. You always wonder if you're gonna make it. What am I gonna tell my son? How will I tell my family? Will my husband find a new wife and raise my son with her? Will death hurt? Where do I want to die? Where do I want to be buried? What else do I have to organise?
I started treatment in Prague, where the associate professor explained to me that my tumor was highly hormone-dependent, so I had to undergo an artificial transition with Zoladex every 4 weeks, XGeva injections for bone support, hormone treatment and we asked the insurance company to approve biological treatment. I got more requests for blood, head CT, genetics and we waited. I was prescribed antidepressants and something to help me sleep because I refused to give up work and tried to function as best I could. The genetics came out negative which I was very happy about and the head CT was fine too. Days passed, in between we asked for a different kind of biological treatment and waited.
KWhen the biological treatment was approved, I was so happy, I suddenly felt that I could do it, that everything would turn out well. I'm terminally ill, but it's treatable! The treatment often makes me sick, I have diarrhea and cravings like I did when I was pregnant, but I have learned to listen to my body! The hot flashes, dizzy spells, and constant feeling of being cold are just part of me now. Constant fatigue, exhaustion and every more active day is redeemed by pain and days of sleep. Back and pelvic pain have been bothering me since the beginning of treatment and so far, despite all the tests, we don't know why. The MRI of my hip has shown nothing so far so I am waiting for further investigations.
We've had family problems at home since we started treatment. Rather, the problem deepened in my husband, and I couldn't stop wondering what I was finding out. Where I expected a strengthening of the relationship, there was only pain and a great emptiness. I was referred to a psychologist who has been very helpful. The first time my husband and I went together, and the second time, and then we started going separately. Thanks to the associate professor, I feel better. I feel that I can ask for help and not feel guilty, that I can leave my son with my uncle and just sleep for 2 days without having to justify myself to anyone. I keep a photo diary and if my story helps just one woman, girl, mom it will all make sense. I fought for my marriage and believed until the last minute that we had a chance, but finding out about the cheating led to a direct and quick end.
Day followed day, week followed week, month followed month, and after six months I had a follow-up PET/CT. A day I looked forward to and feared at the same time. It was a hot summer day, and I remember being terribly cold while waiting and during the scan. I waited several days for the results and the outcome was worth it. The treatment is working and the cancer is receding. I still have back pain so I had an MRI of my hip and spine at the end of the holidays. It turned out that I had a fracture of the covering scapula of my vertebrae, which can be common with bone metastases as the bones are decalcified and soften. I will now wear a lumbar belt, stand upright and continue walking with my head held high.
I don't know for how long, but I know I can be here and now for my son, my family, my friends, myself!
And I'm not gonna let up and I'm gonna take it even further. I will not give up.
Thank you to everyone who gives me strength and supports me!!
Family, friends, colleagues and women from patient organizations!
I live with cancer... we have a deal. It doesn't try to kill me and I don't try to kill it!
- Veronika B, IG - @asistentka_a_rak
Comentarios