Cancer patients are under a lot of stress because of their disease. It is a very difficult time for him/her to cope with and therefore the support and attitude of those around him/her are very important. There are several situations that happen to everyone during cancer. After talking to hundreds of cancer patients, we have created a "cheat sheet" for better communication between patients and their environment.
What not to say (and not to write)
Some people, and there are not a few of them, don't feel at ease next to a sick person. Their reactions to the situation may therefore vary. Specific reactions differ, but there are several approaches that hurt patients:
Downplaying situations and feelings: everyone experiences challenging situations differently and a very common, unintentional, form of downplaying is the reaction to visible changes in patients - hair, weight or fading skin. When a woman mentions that she is bothered that she has lost her hair, that she looks different, the phrase that, in various forms, usually comes to people's minds first is, "It's just hair, be happy, that you're alive." We can think it's okay, but when someone is uncomfortable in their own skin, we shouldn't minimize their feelings and instead listen to them, try to understand them. and look for possible solutions. Other similar phrases are, for example:
"Everyone has cancer nowadays."
"My friend got through it just fine."
"Almost nobody dies of cancer anymore."
"It's okay, I have a bad back."
Stress, fear and regrets: It is unbelievable how many loved ones can accuse patients of blaming their illness on them. Whether or not we have gone along with our (unhealthy) behaviour, it is never appropriate to say things like, "It's your own fault." Another very unpleasant and long-lasting feeling is the fear that remains in us long after that one sentence has been spoken. As a rule, these are:
"My grandfather/acquaintance had this and died of exactly this kind of cancer", in another case, after the treatment is over, comes, "And aren't you afraid it will return?"
Lack of understanding: many find it helpful to talk about their difficult situation. So when they try to open up and tell us their feelings, let's try not to judge them, not to look for anything tricky behind it If it is obvious that the person really wants to talk and you feel that you cannot help them, we recommend that you seek professional help - i.e. psychotherapists.
"I wish I had started going to therapy during all this." - Simona
No, having a tumour is not "good": the reaction of some is that they perhaps envy us the disease at first sight. Why? Because we are suddenly a "hot topic" or unique in some way. These comments are usually about those of us who choose to talk about our story and illness and spread awareness, thereby gaining some sort of public interest. On the other hand, it may happen that a person who helps a sick person may, after a while, feel that his or her "ordinary" worries and problems are irrelevant and cannot complain. For more on carers, see the following chapter.
"I wanted to be interesting when I dyed my hair, not when I got cancer."
"You should be ashamed to try to make a profit on a disease!"
"Good for you, you don't have to go to work."
"You'll get free plastic surgery."
"Good for you, you have a disability pension."
"At least you'll lose weight after chemo."
Unwanted advice: just like in everyday healthy life, unwanted advice is not very popular. In emotionally stressful moments and situations, any advice is an order of magnitude worse. The usual unpopular advice is:
"Don't give in to it."
"You should eat this and that."
"Don't stress."
"You should probably change something in your life if you've got cancer."
"You shouldn't hang out with cancer patients, it's so depressing, it'll destroy you."
"You shouldn't go out too much with your head bare, it scares people."
And then there are the people who" just can't bare it" which results in them saying a sentence like this, "I can't talk to you. Do you know how hard it is for me that you're sick?" On the one hand, we can try to appreciate the honesty and say goodbye to the person, without any expectations.
How to address a sick person
Does this sound familiar?
We mean well, but we feel like we're not that close.
We'd like to offer our help, but no one's asked us to do anything.
We haven't been in touch for a long time, now I feel bad reaching out. The sentences that resonate best with a person in a challenging situation are:
"What can I do for you?"
"How can I help you?"
But it's possible they'll refuse help. Maybe they don't really need it at the moment, they just want to be left alone and they need space, or they don't know exactly what we can help them with. So it's very important to ask again. In a few weeks the situation may change and the patient will appreciate our help.
Our cancer patients advise which sentences were meaningful to them and what they would have liked to hear:
"Dude, So what do we do now?" - A friendly emphasis on the fact that we are not alone in the situation.
"Together we can do this! I believe it."
"Hey, I don't mean to bother you, but I heard about your situation. I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I just want to say that if there's anything I can do to help, I'm here. I'm thinking of you."
"Is there anything I can help you with? For instance, go shopping and take the kids on a trip so you can get some rest?"
"I'm here for you. I'm here for you anytime."
It works differently for everyone, but if it is a person close to us, someone we know, it is very important to remember what kind of people they are and were before the illness and to treat them as we did before.
Psychotherapist's tip: When helping someone, it's nice to replace the usual "you're welcome" with "I was happy to do it for you". Often we don't realise it, but we can make light of the thank you. And a thank you is all the person has to offer at that moment.
Activities
Lifelong hobbies and interests do not change with illness. It is therefore very important not to forget this, who we talk to, what topics, sports or activities the person enjoys. We can invite them for a walk or to an activity they feel up to. Play a board game, put on a a sports game together, or laugh at things we used to laugh at before. The important thing is to ask questions, show interest and try to let the sick person know that they are still the same friend and partner to us.
- z knihy Příběhy o rakovině, strana 92.
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