I never had any serious gynecological problems, I took hormonal contraception for about 5 years. Then I read everything possible and decided to protect myself differently. My husband and I met in the summer and in the spring, I found out I was pregnant. We had been together briefly, but we talked about having a baby. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. Looking back, I would call it sweet ignorance. I listened to the doctors. Went for check-ups. The pregnancy was textbook. Our son was born on time with beautiful measurements. The birth was amazing. My partner was a huge support.
We started talking about another baby when our son was about a year old. I didn't want to hear about it. I wanted a much longer time gap. After thinking it over, I agreed. I was still breastfeeding my son - eventually until he was 2 years old. So menstruation and ovulation were not regular. We didn't address it for about three-quarters of a year. I kept telling myself it was due to hormonal changes. I tested ovulation, which was perfect every month.
I suggested a visit to the assisted reproduction center (note: CAR - Center for Assisted Reproduction) for tests for both me and my partner. I literally had to push for tests on immunology and tubal patency. Verdict? You're both perfectly healthy. There's no problem anywhere.
We started the whirlwind of timed intercourse, hormones, and eventually IUI (note: intrauterine insemination). Nothing led to a baby. We dealt with this for about 2 years. In the end, my husband and I agreed to take a break from everything. We both suffered mentally. Sex became a necessity. That was in the spring, and we wanted to enjoy the summer with our little one.
Looking back, if I could, I would erase that summer from my memory.
The end of June and the beginning of July were hectic, a few weddings, vacation, camping. I didn't have time to observe my cycle or when my husband and I had intimate moments. In mid-July, according to the app, I realized my period was late. Of course, the first thing that crossed my mind was laughter. Surely we couldn't have succeeded now?!
I still remember how the second line immediately appeared on the pregnancy test. I collapsed to the ground. I was shaking and calling out to my husband. With tears in my eyes, I handed him the test. He had seen so many negatives already that we immediately went to get another one to reassure ourselves. They were all clearly positive. My husband and I felt a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. My God, we did it, our little boy will have a sibling!
But something didn't feel right. A little worm in my head. I pushed it away and told myself everything would be fine. Just to be sure, I called the CAR. They scheduled me for an HCG (note: human chorionic gonadotropin, present after the implantation of a fertilized egg into the uterine lining) level check. When I went there, I was supposed to be 5 weeks pregnant. The doctor took my blood, then did an ultrasound. Unfortunately, there was nothing to see. Just a tiny gestational sac. She didn't look happy, but she said it was still early. In the afternoon, I got the result: "The HCG level is 1200." She said it's low and that I should come again. My husband reassured me that everything would be fine. Unfortunately, my little worm of doubt was growing, and I already saw the darkest scenarios.
I didn't want to stress with more blood draws and tests. So I canceled further tests and made an appointment with my gynecologist instead. I was scheduled for 7 weeks. It was a terrible time of waiting. I had no pregnancy symptoms. One evening, I fell asleep watching TV, my husband woke me up, and as I got up, I felt terribly nauseous. My heart was pounding, I felt like vomiting, and I had a very strange feeling in my abdomen. It was like waves. I cried in bed, sure that I was going to miscarry... Eventually, I managed to fall asleep. In the morning, there was only a pinkish discharge. That same day, I went to the doctor. It was 2 days before the planned visit.
The doctor took my blood. On the ultrasound, there was a larger gestational sac, but empty. With tears, I sat in the car, and on the way home, I stopped twice for a flood of tears. The next day, the doctor called me to come for another blood draw. The HCG was minimal, but he wanted to be absolutely sure. That evening, I had pains, and there was a very strong delayed period with pieces of uterine lining. After the HCG test, I was informed that it was a missed miscarriage.
The worst blow came the next day when they called with the results. "Your HCG has risen again, something's wrong, pack your bag." Tomorrow morning, admission to the hospital. Absolutely terrified, I had to come clean with my family because of childcare for my little one. The next day, another blood draw and a detailed ultrasound. Do you see it on the left ovary? The formation was already encapsulated, we managed to remove it in a minute, that it didn't rupture on its own.
ECTOPIC PREGNANCY. Me? Oh my God, why me? Admission to the hospital, laparoscopy, recovery... but the worst was yet to come. After the procedure, the doctor came and said, "We removed your left fallopian tube. Unfortunately, there are adhesions on the right due to inflammation that we couldn't break up well. It's a question of when they'll reappear. You can still get pregnant naturally, but the chances are already reduced." Until then, I didn't even want to hear about IVF. Me, who had once conceived naturally, going for IVF? I couldn't imagine it. But at that moment, we had no other choice on the road to having a baby.
My husband was an incredible support throughout. The journey for a baby brought us even closer. I blamed myself. I'm bad, incapable of conceiving a child. Why can't I do the one thing that defines me as a woman?! I felt terribly sorry for my husband, that I couldn't give him a second child.
In November, we visited a new assisted reproduction center with a much better approach. The whirlwind of injections, egg retrieval, etc., started immediately. In December, the first transfer will take place! Straight to ET (note: embryo transfer). I was happy. I'm fine, ready, it will work the first time! We have 6 luxury "embryos." My husband and I joked that we would have all of them. Big mistake. Menstruation arrived 5 days before testing. I didn't expect this, not only can't I conceive naturally, but I'm not even able to make the embryo implant in me! I kept repeating and it ate me up incredibly. I became a pessimist. I already had black scenarios in advance.
I immediately wanted to plan another - the first KET (note: frozen embryo transfer). "Unfortunately, you don't have ovulation. We can support it with medication or
wait." The thought of more hormones made me sick. We'll wait. At that moment, a friend told me that they succeeded with IVF. She shared everything with me throughout the journey. She came and I felt so relieved to be able to tell someone and discuss it. I started looking at IVF differently. It's a gift - a gift of medicine. The worst was waiting for the next ultrasound to see if ovulation was coming... and unfortunately, it wasn't, apparently due to ET and egg retrieval.
I was on the verge of collapse. I asked myself, what terrible thing did I do and who punishes me so terribly. Overwhelmed, I agreed to a controlled cycle and the use of utrogestan and estrogen. Everything looked good. KET went well. We can test in 14 days. Of course, I couldn't wait and took a test 10 days after KET. There was an almost invisible second line on the test, visible only on a white background. I told myself it was too early and that we would wait. But on day 14, the test was snow white. I cried to my husband at home, I saw it as a huge failure. I can't even keep the embryo, oh well. Menstruation arrived only after stopping the medications.
Light at the end of the tunnel: The third attempt worked, the second KET. I'm enjoying full pregnancy symptoms, looking forward to every ultrasound where I see the little one growing. Our son is excited to have a sibling, whom we expect on his fifth birthday. The fear is immense. I don't want to talk to anyone about the pregnancy except for immediate family. I'm still taking supportive medications, but everything is negligible, and I will undergo anything to finally hold our baby in my arms. We hope everything will be fine until the end.
The worst part of our journey is constantly dealing with comments - from people who knew everything, to those who know nothing. Not being able to have a second child after the first one naturally is terrible. I heard people say we should be grateful for at least one, but nobody sees the pain when you already have one and suddenly can't have another.
- Adéla H.
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